BLACK or WHITE

This is an OLD Serena Williams Interview but the question remains about
dating ouside the race

??Ms. Williams we are all interested in your new boyfriend.

There is no new boyfriend. I stopped playing with boys when I stopped dating black guys. I have a new man in my life and yes, he's white.

??So you prefer to date white men instead of black guys?

Let's be real. If you are a successful black female you only have two choices....date outside of your race or date other successful black females.

??Are you saying there are no successful black men to date?

Of course not but lets face it, if Oprah would date outside of her race she would be married with children now. The state of most black men is so low the only thing you can do is love them. Like a poor homeless dog. You can't expect it to protect you. You can only offer shelter and love and watch as our neighbor's pitbull protects his home and family. I, unlike Oprah, am not forced to stay within those boundaries. I was born into a new generation of black women.

??So Oprah is being forced to date Stedman?

All I can say is when you find a successful black women who is notmarried and does not have children it is because they refuse to accept the two choices. Some may go as far as marriage to a black guy but they realize divorce is inevitable so they do not have children. Or they have children with one and don't marry in order to preserve their wealth and good credit. Oprah is one of many who silently protests being stuck with such poor choices by refusing to marry and reproduce but you can see how much it hurts her. She's always giving away money to children'scharities. I hope she makes the choice to marry a non-black soon so she can have a child of her own.

??But you have decided to accept the two choices?

Yes. I grew up in California around the two extremes of wealth. If Icould only get myself to try the bisexual thing I would have been much happier in my relationships. Instead I dated black men. I loved many of them but they were just not suitable for marriage. Many of them wereraised by women and had warped mentalities. So I finally had to dateoutside my race. When I moved to Miami, I accepted my status and dated men on my level.

??What do you mean by warped mentalities?

Well, where do I begin? Many of them were raised predominantly by women and had this feminine/bisexual complex. Where they wanted to be treated like a female sometimes. For example, I would have the money & they would have the sex. I would teach them things. You know, all the things a woman likes a man to do, I would end up doing for them. Then if we would get into an argument, there would be a role reversal. All of a sudden, they would be the man wanting the respect of a king in his castle. Black men over the years have become less and less of value to black women bothrich and poor. I predict in 10 years they will be obsolete. Now theyserve little to no function and what little they can do, they don't want to do.

??Why 10 years?

That's when going to a fertility clinic to get impregnated by a spermdonor will become as common and accessible as the flu shot. Women whowant sex will do it with whoever they want (girl, guy, rich, poor, white ,black) and go to the bank (the sperm bank) when they are ready to have children. Even those who waited (like Oprah) will have fertilized eggs placed inVitro. That's the day the secret organization of women iswaiting for. The day when men are 100% dis-empowered.

??Are you apart of that organization?

No. They're a mostly white group. Plus that day for black men ispractically here already. Black women are already raising 75% of theblack population without a man. When fertility clinics become moreaffordable Black women will be standing in line. It will be just likeplastic surgery. Everyone laughed at Michael Jackson but its becoming so popular now, that even poor blacks are getting work done...mostly breast reductions and liposuction.

??So do you want men to be dis-empowered?

Heck, no! That's why I am with a white man now. I want a man to be a man and I am not going to settle for less just to stay within racialboundaries. A Black man in my position wouldn't do it so why should I. Don't get me wrong, I love black men. My father is black, I have dated black men all my life, and if I have a male child he will be part black. But my husband and I will raise him together so hopefully he will be a worthy choice for a worthy black female. Not the only choice, or "there's nothing better out there so I'll settle for this" choice. When you are successful you want the best. The best food, clothes, places to live etc. I want the best man also.

??And you think the best man is a non-black man?

I think if there's a better choice for me, God would have shown me. I am in the public so I get to meet lots of people from all over the world athletes, celebs etc. I am wealthy so I am invited and have traveled to the most prestigious events all over the world. Out of all those people, places and events....I had to choose the right man for me. Like it or not (with very few exceptions) a white man is the only real choice for a successful black female I'm going to put this on my Blog

RESPONSE

Serena makes some valid points, but they come from her own place of reference and life of stereotypes and myths.

Her attack on Black men is not necessary, especially since I am certain there are several Black men that meet her standard of success (which is obviously financial) but who are probably already married (either to a Black or non Black or gay). I would imagine that many become financially successful with the help of someone by their side. They connect, work hard and financial success comes later. Financial success is not the basis of the relationship. Two people that meet, share goals, build a foundation can accomplish whatever; and sometimes that can equate to financial success. Based upon Serena's interview; she is solely looking for someone who epitomizes financial success to match and maintain her lifestyle. I also pick up on her Diva attitude. I would imagine that she would never meet a "successful" Black man because she's too caught up in maintaining her lifestyle and labels. She can only picture a successful man as white (and able to take care of her) so that's what she actualizes or that's what manifests for her. That's why it's so hard for people to change. Their belief system is so strong they will only see what they want to see.

Her valid points is that our upbringing does affect our future relationships I totally believe that, just based upon my own experience. I don't agree that it impacted my ability to be successful though. There are several other factors that affect that. Wealth in this country ...well that's a huge issue. I'm sure the financially successful people Serena may encounter, arrived there through inheritance, family insititions, business gains, etc. Those doors have just begun to open for Blacks in general in the past 30-50 years and many of those doors are still shut from time to time. Black wealth (old money) in general is a tight knit group. She herself is fortunate from her hardwork and opportunities. So on one hand I understand her options may be slim due to her rare circumstance. But that's not the only factor to success. And neither is marriage or having children a standard to measure success. Our lives are webs of understanding and we must shed those old pressures and expectations.

I agree with you about the overall definition of success. Financial success does not guarantee happiness or peace. There are so many other factors that are essential for that. This culture focuses on money so much that they miss the boat. It's ironic because I would dare to say that the successful men and women (Black or otherwise) who are single.. are single because of their focus on attaining success. I would go a step further to say that many reach for individual success. They compete with their partner rather than work together. If you accept and live by that rule (it's all about me) then the individual success way of achieving your self worth is the way to go. And the sacrifices of a relationship, marriage, children are obstacles. And for Serena race is one of her obstacles, but I think in her case it's more of an excuse. Finding a successful Black man would mean she'd have to change the way she thinks of Success and Black Men. A Black man hopefully would remind her of her Blackness. Although I don't have any problem with dating outside your race, she's seems to be doing to validate the way she thinks. It's one thing to say, because of my new interests and way of life, I found this man who compliments me and supports me in the best way I've ever experienced .. and he just so happens to be White. That's different. But to just outright attack Black men, that's an excuse and and a slap to all the other guys she's dated. She obviously still has unresolved issues with her past relationships. Maybe she will be able to deal with her Black issues while she's with this new White man. Funny how life can teach you lessons when you're not even paying attention.

Mr. Sensitive

I love finding articles like this. It lets me know that I'm not crazy.

I remember in high school when New Edition's lead singer Ralph Tresvant went solo. His first single was titled Sensitivty. The song was a secret anthem for me. It was a declaration that rebelled against the stereotype of masculinity in this culture. I totally related, even if I did it secret. Come to think of it, I doubt I was that secret at all.

The Gift and Challenge of Sensitivity

By Linda Markley


There is a good chance that your nervous system, your mind and emotions function differently from other people's. According to recent research (see 'The Highly Sensitive Person' by Elaine N. Aron) a percentage of all populations on the planet, human and animal, have especially sensitive nervous systems. This sensitivity is not only apparent in psychological terms but can be demonstrated in the laboratory by physiological arousal levels in response to stimulation.

Having a sensitive nervous system has important consequences for the individual. It's a source of strength and talent, but also, if mismanaged, can lead to difficulties and distress. A great challenge for the sensitive individual is that society is set up for the less sensitive. Indeed, many sensitives come to have low self-esteem because they don't always function as well in many situations as their less sensitive brothers and sisters.

However, once the sensitive recognise their special needs and gifts, they can begin to throw off any negative labels they have acquired and adopt life strategies that take full advantage of their strengths.

What are these strengths? Firstly come creativity and imagination. It's no surprise to find that all kinds of artists are sensitives. However, sensitives in all walks of life have more imagination and creativity than average. Another strength is perceptiveness. It has been demonstrated in the laboratory that a sensitive nervous system absorbs about ten times the amount of information from a situation than a non-sensitive one. (This trait produces vulnerability to overload, which the sensitive must guard against.)

Sensitives also read their own and other people's feelings very easily and often have high levels of empathy and awareness of others' needs. Sensitives also tend to have strong intuition. They also have more ability than average to reflect on matters, to think subtly and develop wisdom. Many have strong vocations to one of the spiritual paths.

It may seem that the sensitive is a slightly exotic and not altogether necessary variant of the human stock. Not so! The sensitive form a pool of talent from where the best ideas come. Not only that, but they provide a source of wise influence and a steadying hand for the hunter/warriors, who tend to mess things up when left to themselves.

A vital point is that sensitive doe not equal weak. Many courageous and imaginative soldiers have been sensitives. Orde Wingate, leader of the Chindits in Burma during World War II comes readily to mind. And if it weren't for the determined, pioneering efforts of sensitives many of our most cherished advances would never have happened. One has only to look at Abraham Lincoln or Mahatma Ghandi to see the effect that one tough sensitive can have.

The sensitive perceive vastly more of what surrounds them – other's feelings, atmospheres, energies etc. – and feel much more intensely about things. This can bring tremendous joy. After all, feelings are the very juice of life. The sensitive can truly enjoy loving relationships, art, music, nature and spirituality, all with great depth and richness.

The challenge is that the inevitable knocks of daily life can impact the sensitive more than others. Unkind words that others shrug off may leave us sore for some time. And this despite our best efforts to 'not be bothered'. This can undermine our self-esteem. Especially when others reinforce the belief that it's foolish or weak to feel upset. 'Just lighten up' or some such, they say well-meaningly.

The truth is it's never wrong to feel anything. Our feelings are there to guide us. They let us know what we do and don’t need, as well as when to take action. Anger or resentment, for example, may be a pointer that we need to speak up for ourselves. The sensitive more than others need to respect their feelings and the fact that they feel so much. Its far better to feel many things including some pain (which is also there to serve us) than to be, as so many are, numbed and disassociated with little capacity for empathy or happiness.

Having said that, we still need to take steps to protect our vulnerability. There's no need for guilt about this. We are simply taking care of our needs – as others do theirs. To love, to grow, to develop meaningful relationships, we need to share our feelings with others. Sadly, many sensitive people have learned through bruising exchanges, to limit or even deny themselves altogether in this area. The way for the sensitive to blossom here is to develop clear boundaries, to decide how much to share and who the right people are to share with. These will often, but not always, be sensitives themselves.

Many times, when we first meet a person, we will get alarm signals – a sinking inside, a catch in the breath etc. While it's easy to say we should be warned off by these signals, we often over-ride these messages and develop a relationship with these people. The temptations to do this can be powerful, sheer loneliness, the longing to have a significant other, pressing business reasons and so on. Any immediate gains are almost always cancelled by longer term damage. So, 'if in doubt, leave it out', or at least consult a trusted friend if you can.

Some questions to consider in our relationships are 'How comfortable do I really feel opening to this person?', 'What signs have they shown that they are sensitive to me and my feelings?' If the answers are not encouraging, it may not always be appropriate to cut the person out of our life, but you need to be wary and maintain clear boundaries. Bear in mind that, if things go wrong, you are likely to be much more hurt than they will.

No matter how careful we are, we will sometimes be hurt. Sadly, many people make themselves feel good at others' expense – usually without guilt or even being aware that they're doing it. We retire, lick our wounds and re-emerge wiser and warier. Yet, over time, we can develop more and more skills in this area and more comfort and enjoyment in our relationships.

There are many other ways to intensify our joy and minimise our discomfort. It's a very good thing for the sensitive to heal as many of their old hurts as possible, as these can resonate with current ones making every upset much more painful. 'The Journey' developed by Brandon Bays, the grief meditation of Stephen Levine and inner child work are all very useful for this. We can take heart here, for the sensitive are usually gifted and very responsive in the area of spiritual development. Indeed many of us will be powerfully drawn to a spiritual path and need prayer and meditation like others need air.

One of the great challenges to the sensitive is over-stimulation and burnout. This is easy to appreciate when you consider that in every situation, every interchange, your nervous system is absorbing and processing ten times more information than average. Time out is an absolute essential for us. We need time alone, time to reflect and digest our experiences, time to re-connect with inner peace. Again, meditation and prayer are invaluable. Very often, too, the sensitive will be frazzled after a day of dealing with the world and an oasis of calm before bed is essential as over-stimulation plays havoc with sleep.

The potential for over-stimulation has important consequences for livelihood, too. As far as vocation is concerned, the sensitive will flourish in work where they can use their creativity, intuition and empathy. This will be in whatever they do, whether in the arts or in more mainstream pursuits like teaching, business or the healing professions. As always, the important thing for us to guard against, though, is over-stimulation. We have to be careful how much contact we have with others, how many things and how much change we have going on at one time.

This doesn't necessarily restrict the kind of work you choose but it is important to know under what circumstances you and your strengths will flourish. If possible, choose your role within the work you do carefully. You'll be happier for it, will protect yourself from excessive stress and illness and, ultimately, be more successful too.

To sum up, sensitivity is an undoubted blessing but usually only when it's special needs and potentials are recognised and responded to. The sensitive needs to handle themselves differently from others and society norms can sometimes be totally inappropriate for them.

Top Ten Tips for Sensitive People

* Respect and nurture yourself – remember you are sensitive, NOT weak!

* Protect your feelings – develop boundaries, limit risks.

* Appreciate your gifts – intuition and creativity grow with use.

* Manage change – smaller steps are preferable.

* Avoid over-stimulation – not too many activities or people.

* Practise meditation – daily for best results.

* Heal old pain - to lighten the load on your nervous system.

* Develop your spirituality – explore and go deeper.

* Protect your sleep – time to settle, soothing activity in evening.

* Simplify and organise – untidiness and disorder over-stimulate.


How sensitive are you?

* Are you aware of your feelings?

* Are your feelings easily bruised?

* Do you have a vivid imagination?

* Do good ideas come easily to you?

* Do you need time alone?

* Are you attracted to the deeper things, spirituality, self-development, philosophy etc.?

* Do you feel bothered if there’s a lot going on?

* Are you a quiet sort of person?

* Does noise bother you more than others?

* Are you easily touched by other’s experience, stories of kindness, courage etc.

* Have you been moved to tears by beauty, in nature, art or music?

* Do you tend towards shyness?

* Do others tell you you're 'too sensitive'?

* Do you feel somehow different from others? (maybe even flawed in some way?)

* Do you easily read others' moods and feelings?

* Do you easily sense the energies of places or situations?


Tests can only provide a guide. The more of these questions you answered yes to, the more sensitive you are likely to be. Eight or more and you are probably highly sensitive.



About the Author

Linda Markley, an HSP herself, wrote this article after noticing how many people with this gift are attracted to her work. One of the bonuses HSPs enjoy in her groups is being with others like themselves. Linda's work helps people be, create & enjoy their maximum potential. Her groups focus on the issues around which past conditioning tends to limit us most, like prosperity & fulfilling relationships. www.clovercoaching.com